A Bicyclops Built for Two/Transcript
Credits. Caption: This Episode Has Been Modified To Fit Your Primitive Screen. :['''Scene': Outside Planet Express. The Mailbot pushes the mail through the letterbox.]'' :['''Cut to': Planet Express: Entrance. Nibbler yaps as the letters come through the letterbox. They hit him and he runs away.]'' :['''Cut to': Planet Express: Meeting Room. Most of the staff sit around the table with drinks. Nibbler runs in from the lounge and Farnsworth comes in through the other door. He treads on Nibbler.]'' Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Several years ago I tried to log on to AOL, and it just went through. Whee! We're online! :['''Scene': Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The staff climb into what looks like blue VR suits.]'' Farnsworth: Go ahead, get into these net suits. I designed and tested them myself. :sniffs her glove. Leela: They smell like burning . Farnsworth: Really? I guess when you're around it all day you stop noticing. Off you go. :presses a button and the staff disappear into the web. :['''Cut to': Outside Internet Browser. They have turned green and are holographic.]'' Fry: Hey! :puts his arm through himself and laughs. He ties his arms in knots. Bender: Behold: The Internet! :presses the enter button and a white light engulfs the crew. :['''Cut to': Internet Browser. The crew stand on a -like clifftop.]'' Fry: My God! It's full of ads! :[The ads caw like birds and dive at the crew à la '' . Amy and Zoidberg scream as the ads flutter around them. Hermes limbos out the way of one. Leela kicks the "No Way" and "No" buttons on the ads. One chases Bender around. Another flies at Fry and wraps itself around him. Leela pulls him free.]'' Leela: Follow me! :flies off the cliff towards the Internet and they follow. Fry looks down at it. Fry: It's immense. Leela: It's got every piece of information anyone could ever want. :sees the porn sites. Fry: So I see! :flies down to the porn sites and Bender and Hermes follow him. Zoidberg: What? What's going on here? :sees a sign advertising "Sardine-on-Mackerel Action", warbles and flies towards it. :Lapse. The staff wander around the porn-infested Internet. Amy sees a site called "Amy Wong Naked". She pokes her head through the door. Amy: Hey, that's me! Bender: No, it isn't. I just took some pictures of your face and stuck them on someone else's body. :puts her head into the website. Leela: Hey! :['''Scene': Outside Adult Chat Rooms. The staff join the queue. At the front of the queue several kids dressed as adults go in.]'' Doorman: Are you over 18? Young Boy: Yes. Younger Boy: Yes. :baby spits his dummy out, gurgles and walks in. :['''Scene': Adult Chat Rooms. Fry, Bender, Amy and Leela walk through a corridor.]'' Bender: I'm telling you, Fry, they've got a chatroom for everybody. And here it is. :and Fry walk into a Filthy Filthy Chat Room. Amy: Ew, that is so gross! Leela: Yeah. I'll stick with this one, thank you. Amy: Yeah. :walk into a Filthy Chat Room. :['''Scene': Filthy Filthy Chat Room. Bender looks around and chuckles. He pulls down a menu and selects a sexy nurse disguise. He taps a man on the shoulder.]'' Bender: sexfully Hi, I'm a naughty nurse and I really need someone to talk to. $9.95 a minute. Man: Ooh, you're a dollar naughtier than most. :hands Bender some cash and he pockets it. Bender: So how 'bout them Knicks? :['''Scene': Filthy Chat Room. Amy sits at a bar and a man makes a winky smiley face at her. She groans.]'' Nerd #1: Hello? Are there any girls in this room at all? Nerd #2: Yeah, bring on the hot chicks 'cause I'm a hot stud. Nerd #3: Yeah! So are we! :pushes her way to the centre of the crowd. Leela: I'm a woman, if that's what you mean. nerds gasp. I don't like to play games, so I'll just say I'm a cyclops, I'm a spaceship captain, I'm the only one of my species and I'm interested in meeting a man. Nerd #4: A woman! I'm scared. :['''Scene': Internet Browser. The staff fly away from the chat rooms.]'' Fry: Well, thanks to the Internet, I'm bored with sex. Is there a place on the web that panders to my lust for violence? Bender: sarcastic Is the Space Pope reptilian? :['''Scene': Outside Death Factory III. The crew walk towards a colosseum-like gaming zone.]'' Hermes: Get ready for fun, Fry. Nowadays, we have a type of game played entirely on video. Leela: We call it a "video game". Fry: sarcastic Uh, "video game" you say? Well, golly gee, you mighty spacemen of the future will have to show me how it works. :['''Scene': Death Factory III. Fry runs around the game, laughing and dodging machines and shooting lasers from his fingers. He rolls under something, shoots some crates, shoots Donkey Kong and swings on a rope. Amy shoots at him but misses. He shoots back and she shatters like glass. A nerd shoots at him and Fry shoots back and shatters him. Hermes puts his finger to Fry's head but Fry leaps into the air, spins around and shatters Hermes. Bender and Leela shoot at him. Zoidberg slides down a rope chasing Fry and shooting.]'' Zoidberg: The doctor is in! does a somersault and shoots at Zoidberg. He fizzles. The doctor is out! :shatters. Farnsworth's head appears in the game. Holo-Farnsworth: Everyone, please sign off. We have a delivery. Plus I have to use the phone-- shatters him and laughs. Leela jumps across a gap and runs up a wall, leaps from it and starts kicking Bender in the head. Farnsworth's head appears again. Leela, please tell the others that-- :[She shoots him and he goes off again. She kicks Bender into a machine and he goes through the workings à la '' . He comes out the other end like a slinky and rolls down some steps into some boiling lava. Farnsworth appears again and before he can speak Leela and Fry shoot him. Fry shoots at Leela but misses. She shoots back and he ducks behind a machine. Leela follows him, tense. Someone backs into her and she gasps and turns around. It is another cyclops.]'' Leela: Who are you? Cyclops: I saw you in the chat room but you left before I had a chance to talk to you. After all these years of searching for another Cyclops. Leela: I can't believe it. I've dreamed of this moment all my life. Cyclops: Do you think perhaps you and I-- :shoots the Cyclops. He laughs and ducks behind a machine. Leela: Fry, you idiot. Ever since I was abandoned on Earth I've been searching for who my people are and where they come from. Then I finally meet another Cyclops and you blast him. You wrecked my one chance to learn who I am! :walks behind the machine, finger at the ready. Fry: Oh, Leela, I feel terrible. If there's anything I can ever do-- jumps out and shoots Leela. Gotcha! shatters. Fry jumps up and down cheering. I won! I'm the greatest! :['''Cut to': Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Everyone else has taken off their netsuits. Fry is still in his, jumping around and laughing like an idiot.]'' Leela: Come on. We have work to do. :pulls his goggles away and snaps them back. :['''Scene': Ship's Bridge. Fry has his feet up.]'' Fry: Are you still mad at me for wrecking your once-in-a-lifetime chance to learn the meaning of your existence? Leela: No, I'm just happy you were able to win a video game. Now let's concentrate on getting this desperately-needed popcorn to the people of Cineplex 14, OK? :video screen comes down from the ceiling. Operator: on screen Leela, you've got mail! sighs. It's not spam. Leela: Huh? opens the email. The Cyclops appears on the screen. It's him! Cyclops: screen To Leela. Subject: Hello. I am Alcazar. Fortunately I wrote down your screenname before I was dispatched by that oafish moron. Fry: Kicked your ass! Alcazar: screen Leela, we have much to discuss. Please come join me on the planet of your birth. Co-ordinates follow. :co-ordinates appear on the screen and the email ends. Fry: Well, too bad we gotta make that urgent popcorn delivery. :pulls a lever. Leela: It'll get there. :['''Scene': The cargo bay hatch opens and a crate of popcorn flies out. The ship turns around and flies away. The popcorn crate explodes and forms a spiral of popcorn.]'' :['''Scene': Cyclopia Surface. The ship lands, and the crew step out of the ship. In front of them is a ruined city.]'' Leela: After a whole life of searching, I may finally have found where I belong. Bender: Too bad it's a dump. :Lapse. Leela, Fry and Bender make their way through the vines and arrive in the middle of a city. Leela: Look at that statue. It's only got one eye. Fry: Lazy sculptor! Alcazar: Welcome home, Leela. :turns around. He is standing on a balcony. Leela: Alcazar? leaps off the balcony and stands in front of her. Are you real? Or am I seeing single? :pokes him in the eye. Alcazar: Ow! Of course I'm real. Leela: After all this time, somebody else with one eye who isn't a clumsy carpenter or, uh, a kid with a BB gun. :hug. Alcazar: It's alright, Leela. You'll never be alone again. claps his hand and two lizards run out through an arch, pulling a carriage behind them. Come, let me introduce you to yourself. Do you mind if your servants walk? Leela: Not at all! :leave in the carriage. Bender steals the crown from the top of the statue and chuckles. :Lapse. Alcazar: We are the last remaining Cyclopses. Our planet is Cyclopia. This is the capital, Cyclops City. Stop me if I'm going too fast for you. :looks around. Leela: There's so much information and yet somehow I feel as if I know it all already. Alcazar: This sacred mosaic depicts our goddess of beauty. :[The mosaic looks like Botticelli's ''The Birth of Venus.]'' Fry: Hmm, you got any sacred artwork of her from the back? Alcazar: Her perfect eye reminds me of yours, Leela. Had our race survived, you would have been a temple priestess or a supermodel. Leela: Oh, please! Really? :carriage moves on. Bender takes the jewel from the middle of the mosaic eye. :Lapse. Alcazar shows them another statue. Alcazar: And there's the infamous pirate, Purple Beard, scourge of the six seas. Fry: What's over that hill? Alcazar: The Forbidden Valley. A holy sanctuary where no one may tread. Fry: Is that anything like a cemetery 'cause I gotta take a leak. slaps him. Ow! Leela: Fry, that's offensive to our people. turns to Alcazar. Isn't it? :nods and she slaps Fry again. Fry: Ow! :['''Scene': Outside Castle.]'' Alcazar: This is my home. I hope you don't think less of me because I live in a giant castle. Leela: Oh, no, not at all. If anything, I'm more impressed. :['''Cut to': Castle. He throws open the doors. The castle is full of jewels. Bender's eyes zoom in.]'' Bender: Ooh! I'm gonna need to make some room. :opens his chest cabinet and takes out a goldfish bowl, a toaster, and another two goldfish bowls. :['''Cut to': Castle: Alcazar's Bedroom.]'' Alcazar: In here is where I dream my lonely dreams and cook my simple meals. Leela: It's all so sad. What happened to our people? :looks at her and moves over to the window and looks out. A tear trickles down his face. Alcazar: It's too painful to speak of now. Come, I'll show you your quarters. :leave. Bender sees a sword on the wall, checks no-one is looking and swallows it. The sword is a little too long and Bender can't walk properly. He clanks as he walks out. Bender: Ow! Ow! Ow! :['''Scene': Castle: Leela's Bedroom. At night, Leela is awoken by crying. She sees Alcazar standing on a balcony, looking at the city. She gets up and goes to him.]'' :['''Cut to': Castle: Balcony. She puts her hand on his shoulder.]'' Leela: I heard you from my room. What's wrong? Alcazar: Nothing. It's just-- No, Leela. I don't want to see tears in your perfect eye. Leela: Please, is it about the fate of our people? Because I'm very interested in that. Alcazar: Well, OK. But it's chilly and you're going to be all wet from the tears. Let's go into my chamber. :walk inside. :['''Scene': Castle: Alcazar's Bedroom. They sit on Alcazar's bed.]'' :[''Flashback. Cyclops City is thriving.]'' Alcazar: voice-over It wasn't long ago. Our people were happy and prosperous ... flashback cuts to a dark planet with rocky terrain and lots of large molehills. ... but the eyeless mole people of Subterra 3 grew jealous of our visual prowess. They fired missile in all directions hoping to hit Cyclopia. mole man presses a button and several hundred missiles are launched from the planet. Unfortunately, one of the 40 planets hit, was ours. :Cyclopia a Cyclopian man looks through a telescope at the sky. Cyclopian Man #1: How far away do you think it is? Cyclopian Man #2: A trillion miles? :missile lands behind them and explodes. :[''Flashback ends.]'' Alcazar: Things got hot. You look a little hot, actually. You can take off that jacket. takes her jacket off. Our people don't like to be hot. Anyway, just before the impact... :[''Flashback. A Cyclopian doctor delivers a baby.]'' Alcazar: voice-over Our smartest scientists managed to save one baby. :doctor puts the baby in a rocket and the parents wave goodbye. :[''Flashback ends.]'' Leela: Alcazar, I used to be a baby, it might have been me! :[''Flashback. Cyclops City is on fire.]'' Alcazar: voice-over Fortunately, I was employed as a pool cleaner at the time and, when I emerged from retrieving a dead possum, I found I was the only one left. :sees the flames, screams, and falls to his knees melodramatically. :[''Flashback ends.]'' Leela: It's so tragic. Alcazar: Yes, but the real tragedy is that our race ends with us. Leela: It doesn't have to. Alcazar: What do you mean? Leela: You're a male and I'm a female. Alcazar: I'm still not following you. :pushes him onto the bed and kisses him. :Lapse. Morning has broken and Leela and Alcazar are in bed. Leela wakes. Leela: Wake up, my king. :wakes up and coughs. Alcazar: Oh, jeez, what a night. Make me some coffee, would you. :puts his head back on the pillow. Leela: Uh, sure, OK. What do you take with that? Alcazar: Pancakes and sausage. Kitchen's in the basement, pans are in the attic. Leela: Maybe after breakfast we can talk about rebuilding our civilisation. :snores loudly. :['''Scene': Castle: Dining Room. Fry and Bender eat with Leela and Alcazar. Fry eats a pancake.]'' Fry: Mmm! Great pancakes, Leela. Alcazar: Yeah, they'll come in handy if I need to cover any tiny manholes. chuckles. Bender laughs loudly, scrapes his pancake onto the floor and slips the plate into his chest cabinet. Alcazar turns to Leela. Listen, hon', we don't want to look like slobs in front of the other species, do we? Leela: No. Alcazar: So get to work on these dishes. And then organise my collection of naked celebrity photos by name and what you can see. :points to an overflowing filing cabinet. Leela: Look, Alcazar-- Alcazar: Call me Al. Leela: Look, Al. I know you've been living alone a long time and I can sympathise, but I'm not your maid. Alcazar: You're right, I'm sorry. I guess the relationship isn't going to work. So much for the Cyclops race. I thought it was a pretty good race but, uh-- :gets up. Leela: OK, OK, I'll do the dishes. looks at the table but it has been cleared. Hey, where'd they go? :walks out with the sound of crockery coming from him. :['''Scene': Outside Castle. Fry and Bender watch Leela pegging out the washing.]'' Bender: Ah, Leela's experiencing the greatest joy a woman can feel: Worshipping some low-life jerk. Fry: He may be some low-life jerk but I don't trust him. I think he's hiding something and I'm gonna find out what it is. :['''Scene': Outside Forbidden Valley. Fry walks up to the gate and sees the "No Trespassing" sign. He laughs.]'' Fry: Try and stop me! :hops over the gate and a trap door opens underneath him and he falls down a deep hole. :['''Scene': Castle: Living Room. Alcazar sits on a couch staring at a TV. Enter Leela dressed up like from .]'' Leela: Al? I did my hair the way you wanted it. sits down next to him. Who are these people? :pig, a [[rat man] and a rat woman sat on another couch.] Alcazar: Friends. Leela: Hey, where'd you get this couch and that TV set and all this stuff? Alcazar: They were giving it away on the street corner. Just like you, Leela! :friends cheer and hoot. Leela: Too bad they weren't giving away the three things you actually need: Mouthwash, a back wax and stain-proof underwear. :hooting. Rat Woman: You go, girl! Alcazar: By the way, your pal Fry fell into the dungeon. Take him a taco so he doesn't die and stink up the place. Leela: Come on, Al, can't you let the little guy out? Alcazar: Jeez, Leela, twice in one day? I'm not Superman! :rats and pig cheer wildly. Leela leaves. :['''Scene': Outside Dungeon. Leela crouches down to a little barred window which Fry is behind. He eats his taco.]'' Leela: Why were you sneaking into my people's forbidden valley? Fry: 'Cause I think Alcazar's hiding something from you. Listen, Leela, you may not like it, you may not believe it, you may not wanna hear it but Alcazar's a jerk. He's bad for you. He-- Leela: I know. Fry: You do? Leela: Fry, if it's obvious to you with your learning disability then of course it's obvious to me. He's crude and gross and he treats me like a slave. Fry: Then dump his one-eyed ass. Leela: I can't. If I leave Alcazar, that's the end of the Cyclops race. And I won't let that happen. Even if it means a lifetime of unhappiness. :toilet flushes. Alcazar: bathroom Leela! Mop up in aisle number two! :pig and rats hoot. Leela: I'll break up with him at dinner. Fry: I'll be there. :Lapse. The table is next to Fry's window. He eats. Alcazar: Yo, Leela, what gives? Pig says your slop tastes like crap. Pig: Yeah. Like crap. :tugs Leela's leg. Fry: C'mon, Leela, you deserve better than this guy. Dump him already! Leela: I'm trying. :taps his glass. Alcazar: Hey, everyone, jam a sock in your spit faucets. stops eating and looks up. Not long ago I spent my lonely nights renting slasher flicks with Rat Man and his girlfriend. But then a beautiful woman arrived and-- Stop eating, Pig! And she brought new hope for me and our once great civilisation. Now a million centuries of Cyclops destiny depend on the answer to one question. walks around the table to Leela and goes down on one knee. Leela, will you marry me? Fry: whispering No! No! Leela: Yes! I will! :groans. Everyone else applauds. Alcazar and Leela kiss. Rat Woman elbows Rat Man. Rat Woman: They're getting married! :Man catches on. :['''Scene': Outside Castle. A limo pulls up and Amy, Farnsworth, Zoidberg and Hermes step out.]'' Amy: Congratulations, Leela! Zoidberg: Hello. Hermes: Oh, this is great! Leela: hands Glad you could make it. Bender: hands It's a magical day. :guests bend down to Fry's window. Fry: hands Welcome! :['''Scene': Castle: Dining Room. At the "Pre-Wedding Chug-A-Thon", everyone helps themselves to the buffet. Leela puts a decoration on top of the wedding cake of a Cyclops woman buffing a Cyclops man's shoes.]'' Fry: Psst, Leela. You've gotta get me out of here. It's horrible! Eating scraps, letting my waste drop wherever it falls like an animal in the zoo. Leela: Animals go in the corner. Fry: The corner! Why didn't I think of that? :sighs. Leela: Look, Fry, I'd like to help you but it's my wedding and I'm kind of busy. hands him a bottle. Here. Try to be happy for me. That way at least one of us will be. :['''Cut to': Dungeon. Leela walks away from the window.]'' Fry: That's it! It's time for this bird to walk. :hits the bottle against the door trying to get it open. The cork flies out of the bottle, out of the dungeon and hits the door release button. The door opens. Fry laughs and tip the bottle over his head. The door starts to close again. He screams and scrambles through it. :['''Cut to': Outside Castle. Fry runs out and looks around. Bender leans against a tree. Rope holds his door shut because it's so full of stolen things. There is also a sack next to him. Fry sees him.]'' Fry: Bender, come on. We've gotta get some dirt on Alcazar. Let's go and find out what makes the Forbidden Valley so forbidden. Bender: Uh, no, thanks. I'm good. Fry: But there's probably some cool forbidden stuff you can steal. Bender: I don't know, Fry. For the first time in my life I feel like I've stolen enough. :slaps him. Fry: Bender, snap out of it! :shakes his head. Bender: Sorry, I don't know what came over me. Let's go. slings his sack of swag over his shoulder. singing I love stealing, I love taking things! :['''Scene': Garden. At the wedding, Alcazar yawns. Hermes plays Here Comes The Bride and Farnsworth walks Leela up the aisle. Zoidberg wipes his eyes.]'' Zoidberg: crying That pig over there is wearing the same sandals as me. :['''Scene': Outside Forbidden Valley. Bender and Fry ride Alcazar's lizards towards the gate.]'' Fry: Come on, boy, jump! lizards crash through the gate. Good boy! :['''Cut to': Forbidden Valley. Fry and Bender come to a clifftop.]'' Bender: Whoa, Mittens! :look out over the valley and gasp. Fry: My God! Four identical castles! Bender: Each more identical than the last! :Lapse. Fry and Bender come to a statue similar to the one in Cyclops City. Fry: That's weird. It's another Cyclops, only this one has five eyes. :[Bender sees another ''Birth Of Venus-style mosaic.]'' Bender: And here's another one with no eyes. :takes the jewels from her eyes. :['''Scene': Garden. The wedding is in full swing.]'' Preacherbot: Does anyone have a reason why this couple shall not be joined in the irrevocable shackles of holy bliss? Farnsworth: Saving a race of one-eyed monsters? Who could object to that? :looks worried. Alcazar: Cut to the chase, Preach! Preacherbot: Do you, Alcazar ... fast-forwards the Preacherbot. ... fast take this woman before you ... to love ... in sickness ... do you part? Alcazar: Yeah, sure I do. Come on, faster! Preacherbot: Do you, Leela, copy and paste his response till death do you part? :looks around. Zoidberg waves, the rats and pig watch a TV. She looks at Alcazar. He makes an encouraging gesture. Leela: I ... d-- :Fry and Bender on the lizards. Everyone gasps. Amy: Oh, my God! Alcazar: What the--? Fry: Hey, Alcazar, you left somebody off the guest list. :a five-eyed woman in a wedding dress. Five-Eyed Woman: Alcazar, why you are so late for our wedding? And why you have only one eye? Alcazar: It ... ooh, uh! grows four more eyes. Hey, sweetie. Just go back to the castle and wait for me. turns to Leela and returns to his one eye. She-- She's nuts. I can morph into a five-eyed alien and I kinda said I'd marry her. But I'm really a Cyclops and I'm really going to marry you. Fry: Oh, yeah? Then what about this? :rhino-faced woman in a wedding dress runs in. Alcazar morphs into a rhino. Alcazar: This is a bit awkward. Five-Eyed Woman: Who's she? Leela: Who's she? Sandy: Who are they? Alcazar: Go back to the castle, Sandy. Fry: And maybe you'd like to meet her. purple alien comes in. And her. :alien. Alcazar morphs into each of them and eventually morphs into all five at once. Alcazar: Leela, this must all be very confusing. Leela: A little. That's why I've decided to hurt you until you explain it. :kicks him. The five-eyed woman pushes him back and Leela kicks him again. Sandy: Show us your real form! Leela: Yeah! Alien #2: Do it! :purple alien screeches. :picks Alcazar up and throws him and Leela kicks him into a table which collapses under him. Everyone gathers round. He crawls out, now looking like a grasshopper. Alcazar: Well, this is the real me. But I can explain: We all have needs. Mine was to make it with five weirdos and have them scrub my five castles. I gave you all what you wanted and of course I made a few bucks letting Pig watch through the two-way mirror. Can any of you say you wouldn't have done the exact same thing in my position? :cries. Bender: crying He's a saint! Leela: But why did you have all five weddings on the same day? Alcazar: Hey, lady, you got any idea what it costs to rent a tux that changes shape? Leela: Alright, Alcazar, I just have one last question for you. Alcazar: What's that? Leela: If you can change form, why didn't you change it in the one place that counts? :cheers and hoots. :['''Scene': Ships Cockpit. The ship flies away from the planet. Amy is at the controls and Bender is admiring his loot. Leela sits on the arm of the couch with Fry and Farnsworth.]'' Leela: Thanks for saving me from that creep, Fry. Fry: Hey, that's what I do. Leela: I guess I was so desperate to find out who I really was, I forgot who I really was. Farnsworth: No harm done. In the many decades you'll work to repay me for that shipment of popcorn you destroyed, you'll have plenty of time to search for your true home. :gets up and stares out of the window. Leela: Yeah. I mean, how many planets can there be? :looks out into the vastness of space and the ship glides away. :Credits. Category:Season Two Scripts Category:Episode Transcripts Category:Transcripts